Elena vs Team Yaoi
by redcherryamber
Summary: Three evil yaoi writers insert themselves into the world of FFVII and their writings start to become reality. Elena, Tifa and Yuffie decide they have to act to get their men back! Pure daftness. Lots of pairings - nothing graphic. M for suggestiveness.
1. Chapter 1

**Please don't shoot me down in flames for this one. I am a yaoi fan. I write yaoi, some here, some elsewhere. This is meant as an affectionate parody. **

**Two recommendations: the idea for this came from a comment Licoriceallsorts posted on Decayed Cotton Candy's LJ site, with reference to Decayed Cotton Candy's brilliant yaoi fic "Behind Closed Doors" at www. fanfiction . net/s/6863213/1/Behind_Closed_Doors , saying, "I always feel kind of sorry for poor Elena in the gay world of the Turks ". **

**If you like truly well-written Turk yaoi, then "Behind Closed Doors" is the fic for you! **

**If yaoi isn't your thing - or even if it is, because this is worth reading in any case - then read Licoriceallsorts' "Death is Part of the Process" at www . fanfiction . net/s/5734947/1/Death_is_Part_of_the_Process . It includes almost all the characters, and all the BC Turks. It's not yaoi, although it does contain one major same-sex relationship. It's beautifully written and a brilliant story.**

**Anyhow, also feeling sorry for Elena, I gave her the chance to be revenged on all those yaoi writers who keep her from the men. **

**As you doubtless know, the Before Crisis Turks have no official names because they were named by the player. The ones who feature in this story, with my names for them, are:**

** Katana m. - Kit**

**Rod m. - Rod (inspired, huh?)**

**Nunchucks m. - Tristan**

**Two guns m. - Quin**

**Martial arts m. - Max**

**Shotgun f. - Cassie**

**My three evil yaoi writers, Slash, Squee and Poison, are based on no one living or dead, except (in the case of Slash) for myself, altered to protect the not-very-innocent. Her yaoi crimes are similar to my own. Passages of purple prose are entirely intentional. **

**Warnings: lots of implied yaoi, but nothing graphic. **

**Disclaimer: If I owned them would I be here, writing this?**

* * *

><p><strong>Elena Vs. Team Yaoi<strong>

**Chapter One**

Elena sat, alone as usual, on the too-big sofa in the living room at Healen. It was Saturday night again, and no one had wanted to go into Edge, again. There was nothing on TV - again. Since Meteor and Chaos there had been nothing on TV except for earnest reports about mako levels, and endless repeats of the old films and series that had been salvaged from the rubble. No one seemed to have the heart to make anything new – not now, not yet.

She knew what was going on upstairs, and it depressed her. She had no problem with people being gay – Gaia knew she'd always been open-minded and unprejudiced – it was just that she was sure it hadn't always been this way with these particular people. Rufus – well, yes – she was pretty certain he'd always been one for the guys. Even while acknowledging the physical perfection of his face and form, there had always been something about him that had warned her _– no – not for you_. And although it had been a sorrowful realisation, it hadn't really been a shock when she'd worked out that he spent most of his nights with Tseng.

Thinking about Tseng still made her give a little, resigned, internal sigh. She had been so hopeful when he'd promoted her, after Reno's hospitalisation following his fight with Avalanche on the Sector Seven pillar. Tseng had chosen her out of a large group of potential recruits – he seemed to approve of her – even when she screwed up he was never unduly harsh. He was everything she admired – controlled, professional, devastatingly handsome…

And, on that terrible day at the forest temple, Tseng had asked her out to dinner – _Tseng_ had asked _her_ - and for one, fleeting moment she had dared to turn the key of that secret place in her heart where she had locked her foolish dreams…

But Sephiroth had ruined everything. She suspected that it had been then, during Tseng's recovery from the awful wound Sephiroth had inflicted, that Rufus had made his move.

Reno. Well, Reno was less of a surprise. Reno was Reno, and she'd always known he was flexible in such matters. It did seem a little hard, though, that for all the women he'd got through over the years, he'd never once made a move on _her_. Reno was nothing like Tseng – but there was something about him – a confidence, an energy – combined with the undeniable physical appeal of all that bright red hair and those blue-green eyes – that often made her wish that just once…

But then she'd accidentally walked into an office that _really_ should have been locked, and the image of Reno on his knees in front of Rufus was burned indelibly into her brain.

Rude had been the biggest shock. She'd been almost certain Rude was straight. What had all that angst over Chelsea been about? And his crush on Tifa - the one that had been strong enough to make the ever-loyal Rude ignore his duty and refuse to fight her - what had happened to that? Yes – Elena had once held high hopes of Rude. He was strong, and handsome, and she couldn't help having improper thoughts about his sheer physical size, and whether all those piercings in his ears had their equivalents in other parts of his anatomy… But, it seemed, she was never to find out, because just last week there had been that hideously embarrassing incident when, looking for a little relaxation and me-time with her favourite trashy gossip magazine and a large bar of chocolate (some things were so essential that not even Meteor or Chaos had stopped their production), she had wandered into the spa intent on a nice long solitary soak in the hot tub, and discovered all four of them –

Well - _cavorting_ was probably the word.

Best not to think about it really.

So, here she was, all alone again, on a Saturday night. It almost made her want to cry.

Elena was a Turk, though, so instead of crying, she went to the fridge for a beer. She returned to the sofa and drank the beer in front of a tedious romcom that she'd seen at least a dozen times before, while trying to think of a solution to her problem.

An hour later she found herself in the bathroom, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She'd turned the TV up as loud as she could, but it still hadn't drowned out the noises coming from upstairs. Sometimes she felt like getting a bucket of icy water and tipping it over the whole lot of them. Did any of them ever give her a second thought? Didn't they realise what it was like for her, living and working so close to four such attractive men and knowing that the whole, sexy, testosterone-drenched atmosphere – all the smiles and touches and significant glances – included everyone but her? It was slowly driving Elena crazy.

The whole situation wasn't helped by the fact that over the last couple of years everybody seemed to be growing mysteriously sexier and better looking. It was sometimes hard to remember – but Elena could have sworn that the first time she'd seen Rufus Shinra his hair had been more orangey red than strawberry blond, which, she supposed, did make sense of his name. Now, ever since having contracted and then survived Geostigma - perhaps it was some weird side effect? – he'd gone all pale gold and gorgeous.

Rude's muscles were more defined than they used to be – he'd grown that beard, and she had to admit it really suited him. He just seemed – sharper – more handsome – more desirable and less available than ever.

Reno – well, she wasn't sure that Reno _had_ got sexier, exactly. He'd always been sexy. It was just that, in the past, he'd possessed a dangerous, down-at-heel sort of sexiness – something that spoke of hard sex in dark alleys, and definitely no swapping phone numbers. No – Reno hadn't got sexier – he'd got _prettier_. She didn't know why or how, but that ratty red ponytail of his had somehow gone all sleek and shiny. He seemed to have a lot more hair than before, and it looked soft and well cared for. His eyes – and she was sure they'd used to be so much narrower – had always been a vivid colour – but now she kept thinking of the word _cerulean_, which was strange, because she was certain it wasn't a word she'd ever used before.

Tseng – ah – Tseng. Well, she'd been in love with Tseng from the start, but _this_ Tseng – the intensity of those dark, dark eyes that any girl (or boy, so it seemed) would be mesmerised by, and all that sleek, shining hair that he had apparently decided to grow long and wear loose just to torment her - Tseng was just _beautiful_.

"Woah! Wait a minute!" Elena told her reflected self severely in the mirror. "When did you start calling men _beautiful_? What's going on here? Is it an effect of all the mako in the air, all the dust containing Gaia knows what that was thrown up after Chaos? But – no – it started before that. It started sometime after Meteor."

She frowned, studying her own image critically. She'd changed too – she couldn't deny it. Her hair had lightened, like Rufus', to a pale ashy shade that she supposed quite suited her. Her eyes, which she'd always felt were her best feature, had grown softer and more liquid brown, like melted chocolate. Her mouth, which she'd always felt was too small, so that sometimes she thought it virtually invisible without makeup, seemed prettier, and her lips pinker than before. But her transformation was nothing like as dramatic as that of the guys. It was almost as if Gaia, or whichever god or goddess was responsible for these strange transformations, hadn't really bothered as much with her.

"It's no good," Elena lectured herself. "I can't go on like this – being the only girl in a house of gays – er – guys. If I wasn't straight myself it wouldn't be such a problem – but as it is… I'm going to go nuts if I can't find a man who's interested in women!"

Suddenly Elena longed for a female friend to confide in. Never close to her sister, she had grown up used to working in male environments, and the lack of a good girlfriend had never bothered her before. _The boys used to be my friends_, she thought sadly. _But now they're just too busy with each other… I wonder? Well – it's worth a try._

It didn't take long to find the phone number in the filing cabinet.

Unsurprisingly, Tifa was wary at first. "What makes you think I'd want to discuss anything with _you_?" she asked, her normally gentle voice sharp with scorn. But when Elena outlined her problem, there was a long pause.

"Come to the bar," Tifa told her. "There's something you should know."

By the time Elena arrived in Edge the Seventh Heaven was already closed. Elena parked her bike on the street and knocked on the door. Tifa answered almost immediately. She didn't smile, but gave Elena a nod that wasn't unfriendly. "Come in. Would you like a drink?"

"Thanks. I'll have a beer."

"It's not great beer, I'm afraid. Everything's so hard to get these days. But it's better than what most of the bars around here sell."

Tifa pulling pints was a sight to behold – the slight swell of her biceps as she worked the pump drawing the eye inevitably towards the far from slight swell of her breasts –

Elena shook her head, startled. What was happening to her? Surely she hadn't been without a man _that_ long?

Tifa caught her staring and smiled. "Had one of those 'Good Gaia, have I started fancying girls' moments?" she asked. "Don't worry. It's just part of what's happening. It doesn't seem to affect us as much, or as often, as it does the men, but it can throw you a bit until you're used to it."

"So – it's not just Rufus and the Turks, then?" Elena asked.

"Gaia – no! It's almost everyone. Barret seems to be the only one who's hardly affected at all. Cloud…" She shook her head, eloquently.

"Cloud?"

Tifa poured herself a drink, and came around the bar to sit with Elena at one of the tables. She stared down into her drink, looking pensive. "It started with dreams. He said he couldn't stop thinking about Zack. Apparently… he and Zack used to have a thing. The weird thing is, he'd forgotten all about it until recently. He said he thinks he must have been in denial – must have blanked it out. But apparently relationships in the army were quite common." She looked up at Elena, her beautiful brown eyes troubled. "You wouldn't _believe_ some of the things that used to go on in SOLDIER, according to Cloud. Although, again, he says he's only remembered them in the last few months."

"Since Meteor, or since Chaos?"

"It started after Meteor. But it's got much worse recently."

"Strange."

"I know. The things he told me! Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal – Cloud and Zack – all of them really. In every combination you can think of!"

"I don't want to think of it!" Elena said. "It's bad enough with Rufus, Tseng, Rude and Reno."

"Yes – well – I don't think Reno's confining his – um – activities to Healen," Tifa said, with a little shake of her head. "I caught him coming out of Cloud's room a couple of days ago. He just grinned. Cloud said he didn't know what came over him –"

"Tifa!" Elena exclaimed.

"Sorry. Bad choice of phrase. But now Cloud keeps disappearing, and I never know where he's gone, or who he's with. And the other day Vincent came into the bar – with Cid!"

"_With_ Cid?"

Tifa shuddered. "Very much so I'm afraid. Shera's devastated. Keeps asking him why. And all Cid can say is that he doesn't know, but there's just some kind of irresistible attraction between them…"

"_Cid?_ And _Vincent_? So – Vincent's forgotten Lucrecia then?"

"It doesn't seem to matter!" Tifa's voice broke. "Whoever they cared for in the past – they just can't keep their hands off each other! I spent so long hoping that Cloud would come round – that Aerith would become just a memory – and then he did come round, and I thought everything would be all right – but now he doesn't care about me at all – because he's too busy running around with guys!"

Elena thought of Tseng, but only said, "That's rough. I wonder – is this planet-wide, or just here, around Edge?"

"It seems to be mostly here," Tifa said, controlling herself, swiping the back of her hand across her eyes impatiently. "I'm still in contact with Yuffie, and she says the guys in Wutai are fine – _the gays are still gay and the straights are still straight_, as she put it."

"I need to contact Veld," Elena said. Then she smiled, as a wonderful idea came to her. "Don't worry, Tifa," she said, brightly. "We'll get to the bottom of this."

Tifa winced.

"I'll get back to Healen now," Elena said. "I need to make a few calls. But I'll be in touch. You look out for clues – listen to gossip in the bar. We have to narrow this down – find out where it started."

"Well – from what you said, it affected the Turks in Healen before anyone here," Tifa told her.

"Hmm. So – we'll need to start looking for clues around Healen. Can you ask Yuffie to visit? I suspect we're going to need all the female help we can get!"

x-x-x

Elena rode the bike back to Healen, grateful to have something large and throbbing between her thighs that wasn't likely to lose interest and go off with a pretty guy. Moonlight glimmered on her pale hair.

From the bluff overlooking Edge and the ruins of Midgar, three pairs of narrowed eyes watched her progress.

A cool female voice said quietly, "We can't allow her to interfere."

"No, indeed," came the response – a younger voice, also female. "Not when we've arranged things so nicely."

"Hmm. I was _so_ enjoying what Reno and Rude were getting up to on the sofa while she was away," a third woman added.

The first voice spoke again. "World_of_squee? xRenoIsMyPoisonx?"

"Yes, Boss?" two voices answered in unison.

"You know what to do."

Moonlight glinted on the barrel of a shiny silver pen. There was a click as the lid of a laptop flipped open and an eerie blue glow illuminated the face of a frowning twenty-five year old woman with oddly familiar spiky red hair held back from her face by a pair of plastic swimming goggles. The hair appeared to be a wig, to judge by the much darker hairline visible below the roots of the long spikes that fell over her eyes.

Their boss – an older woman clad in nothing more exotic than jeans and a t-shirt bearing the Shin-Ra logo – smiled a cool smile.

"You see?" she said, turning to her minions. "Didn't I tell you self-inserts weren't always a waste of time?"

"You were right, as always," the nineteen year old World_of_squee-but- just-call-me-Squee said, writing frantically in her tattered spiral-bound notebook. She pushed blonde hair back from her pretty face and glanced up at her boss. "I never thought it would work – but look what we've achieved!"

"Yes," replied the leader – a woman officially known as Ulikeitslashy69 – Slash for short. "And soon there won't be a single significant male character left unslashed in the whole of Gaia – thanks to me, and my legion of helpers!" She frowned at Squee. "By the way, have you finished that Barret/Cloud fic I told you to do? We don't need Barret helping Tifa and Elena against us, do we?"

xRenoIsMyPoisonx gave a short laugh, adjusted her goggles, looked at her fingers and then cursed as she realised she'd smudged one of the red lipstick lines she'd drawn shakily along her cheekbones. "Damn. But come on Slash – you know Squee is never gonna finish that, yo! She doesn't fancy Barret!"

Squee shot the bewigged woman a fierce glare. "Shut up, Poison. Stop saying 'yo' all the time – you sound stupid! And I told you to use face paints and not lipstick for the scars. Of _course_ they're going to smudge!"

"They're not scars – they're _tattoos_, idiot!" Poison sneered, poisonously.

"They're scars – from when he got attacked by Dark Nation when he started working for Rufus," Squee countered. "I wrote it, so I know."

"They're tattoos from when he was a child prostitute and then escaped and became part of the Red Rebels street gang," Poison shot back. "_I_ know, because _I_ wrote it first. You don't even write Reno anymore, since you got into Clack. And scars from Dark Nation is just stupid! How would he get two, exactly the same shape and size?"

Squee's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You want me to show you?" She curled her fingers, with their long, red-varnished nails, pointedly, and pointily, in Poison's direction.

"Stop it, both of you," commanded Slash, frowning. "We have to stick together if we're to achieve our aim. Squee – I'm helping you out on the Barret front. I've already begun a story in which he falls into a vat of mako and emerges pretty. I was thinking tall and slim, with long dreds and nice eyelashes."

"Hmm." Squee sounded unconvinced. "I suppose that _could_ work."

"Write the damned Barret fic," Poison said. "You can't write Clack your whole life."

"Why not? There are plenty of volunteers for most of the other pairings too, so I can write what I like," Squee sulked. "And while we're having this discussion – you leave Reno alone. Square prettified him just fine – he's going to end up looking like that cat out of _Shrek_ if you make his eyes any bigger."

Slash held up a hand, and her lieutenants fell silent. "Squee can write as much Clack as she likes – _when_ we've succeeded in our mission," she said. "And she's right – no more character adjustment. We have all the other fangirls and boys to think of. We go with Square on design unless they have a major bishie fail – as in the case of Barret. Our task is simple. Yaoi to the max. We are Team Yaoi!"

"With a bit of yuri thrown in for my mate Sue," Poison added.

"Yes. _Just _a bit, mind. We have to reflect the ratios," Slash stated solemnly. "But enough of this bickering! Elena must not put her plan into action! Write!"

x-x-x

Elena parked in the underground garage at Healen and wiped her brow. What a journey! She'd never expected to see shadow-creepers again after the destruction of the remnants. And there had been a nasty moment when the remnants themselves had turned up, all on bikes and blocking her path. Kadaj had smiled at her unpleasantly, toying with Souba, and she'd exclaimed, "I thought you were dead!"

Yazoo had tossed his moonlight hair and murmured, "But we're _far_ too bishie to waste…" Loz had only nodded and said, "Yeah!" Elena had drawn her gun, fearing the worst, but fortunately Loz had grabbed hold of Yazoo and begun doing something that she was trying hard to block out of her memory. Kadaj had looked from Elena to his brothers and back, before giving a little shrug and joining them. She'd done her best not to glance in their direction as she revved past.

The shadow-creepers had continued their pursuit for a while until, for some reason, a Hellhouse had materialised out of nowhere and crushed them. Then the road had started developing random potholes, and it had taken all Elena's skill to get back to Healen in one piece.

Forgetting what she was likely to find there, Elena burst into the living room, then shielded her eyes from the sight of a naked Reno fast asleep, sprawled on top of an equally unclothed Rude. She crossed the room with her hands either side of her face like blinders on a skittish racing chocobo, and made it to the lobby where she could phone Veld in peace.

"Veld," Elena said, sighing with relief. "You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. Can I ask you a strange question?"

"Of course, Elena. Is everything all right over in Edge?"

"Not exactly, no. I'll explain later. But – you're in touch with all the guys, yeah?"

"Yes. We're still all working on rebuilding projects."

"And are they all – okay? Especially the _actual_ guys?"

"Yes," Veld replied, sounding cautious. "They're fine. Kit was trapped under rubble after Meteor over in Gonagaga and damaged his leg, but he's better now. What's wrong, Elena?"

Briefly Elena outlined the problem. Veld said, "How about I send some of the boys over to you. See what happens. If any of them show any signs of going the same way, send them home immediately."

"Thanks Veld," Elena said, relieved beyond measure. "You don't know how good it's going to be to have some other guys around again."

"I'll send four," Veld said. "Legend I need here. And Max is busy on a mission for me over Wutai way. But the others can be with you by tomorrow evening. We've got working choppers now."

"Thanks again," Elena said. "Gaia – I could hug you Veld!" _And the rest_, she thought. _Yeah – definitely – the way I'm feeling at the moment!_

When Veld had rung off, Elena went to the files and pulled out the pictures of the four Turks she had only met briefly after Meteor. First – Kit – a tall, dark, bespectacled Gongagan – expert in the katana – his scarred cheek not detracting at all from his good looks. _Hmm_ Elena thought. _I wonder if he likes blonds?_ Realising that she'd mentally left off the 'e', and that her mind was filling with unwanted pictures of Kit and Rufus, she thought quickly _blondes! Blonde _women_. Me!_

Next was Rod – a natural redhead – not unlike Reno in looks – but hopefully a lot _unlike_ him in sexual orientation, at least at the moment. Not bad at all.

Then a little blond called Tristan, with huge blue eyes and a soft face. Hm. Elena shook her head, thinking that people might mistake him for her little brother. But he was cute. Definitely cute.

The fourth Turk was Quin – all slum-styled dark hair and cheekbones. He looked dangerous in the way Reno used to, and Elena found herself smiling at the memory. _You could be just what I need_, _Quin_, she thought.

Elena made her way up to bed, almost tripping over Rufus and Tseng who were getting up to – something – on the stairs. She muttered, "Oh, for Gaia's sake!" as she stepped carefully over them, but they took no notice of her at all. Once in bed, Elena put in her earplugs to drown out the inevitable noises that would continue until dawn, and settled down to sleep, hopeful for the first time in months.

x-x-x

Poison was whinging again. "Squee – couldn't you have written us a better tent? I'm freezing!"

"I'll edit it in the morning. Try to sleep. The next few days are going to be busy – thanks to you and your stupid remnant fantasies!"

"Oh – well – _sorry _for fancying a bit of remcest! But I'm not the one who went and dropped a frigging Hellhouse on Slash's shadow-creepers, yo! We almost had her!"

"It's not my fault!" Squee retorted. "You were yelling 'write a monster' at me – and I _told_ you before – I've never played the game! I only watched my brother play it a bit, and I like the film. The hellhouse was the only monster I could remember, okay? Anyway – why all those potholes? Couldn't you just have written a falling boulder, or sudden engine failure?"

"We're not trying to kill her! She must have _some_ fanboys and girls. We just want to capture her to stop her interfering."

"It doesn't matter," Slash told them calmly, from the depths of her purple, fleece-lined sleeping bag. Squee looked at it enviously. "Why can't I have a sleeping bag like that?" she demanded.

"You can," Slash told her. "You just have to remember to write one. Your work tends to lack descriptive detail. I'm sure you'll get better with experience. But this is no time for concrit - we have plots to think of! Elena's plan has played right into our hands. By total fluke, Veld's sending her all the pretty ones. All we have to do is write them together, and Elena will be out on her own again."

"Oooh!" Poison exclaimed. "Bagsy I get to do Rod/Quin!"

"You just like Rod because he looks like Reno," Squee said.

"Yeah, so? And I like Quin because he _acts_ like Reno. You can do Kit/Tristan – cause Kit's from Gongaga, like Zack – and Tristan's little and blond – like Cloud. It's like Clack, only Kan. Or Trit."

Squee seemed considerably cheered by that idea.

"Poor old martial arts male Max is the one I always feel sorry for," commented Slash. "He's another Square bishie fail isn't he?"

"Yeah," agreed Squee, sounding bored. "I never write him."

"I _have _written him," said Poison. "But I usually send him away on missions, or make him expendable."

"It's tempting," Slash agreed. "If he was on _Star Trek_ he'd definitely be the only member of the landing party whose name you don't know. But I'm going to challenge myself to find him someone one of these days. Maybe I'll be kind to him, and give him Rufus?"

"You and your crack pairings!" Poison sniggered. "But you know you'll never do it. Or, if you do, it'll be like a two-hundred word drabble. You'll be drawn back to your precious Reno/Cloud, or your Cid/Vincent. Just like I can't keep away from Reno and Rude, or anything remnant. And Squee and her endless Clack. Bet she _still_ hasn't finished that Barret/Cloud, in spite of you yelling for an update."

"I'm working on it," Squee responded, sounding a bit guilty. "Let's get some sleep, and we'll be ready to write again in the morning."

"You sleep," Poison told her, taking off her Reno wig, and fluffing up her short, dark hair. She laid her homemade wooden EMR beside her tenderly. "Sleep's for wusses. I'm starting my Rod/Quin fic right now, and I'm not stopping until it's done, even if it takes me 'til four in the morning. That way they'll be all over each other before they've even arrived, and Elena will know her plan has failed."

"Good luck with that," Squee replied sleepily. "I would say 'mwahahaha' – but I'm too tired to do it properly…"


	2. Chapter 2

**Elena vs. Team Yaoi**

**Chapter Two**

Elena couldn't wait for the evening, when her saviour Turks would arrive. Even if her worst fears were realised and they started to behave like everybody else, surely she'd have a day or two to get to know at least one of them intimately? And they could help her investigate the area around Healen for clues as to the cause of this unsettling outbreak of out of character behaviour.

While she was waiting, Elena decided to do a little investigating of her own. It took her the best part of an hour to persuade Reno to get up and into the helicopter – and the experience made her more determined than ever to get her pilot's licence. Dragging Reno out of Rude's bed was not something she ever wanted to have to do again, especially when Tseng had wandered in from the bathroom clad in nothing but a small towel, and she'd heard Rufus singing in the shower…

"What're we looking for, anyway?" Reno asked. Now that he was away from the other Turks he seemed almost his old self again.

"I'm not sure, but I'll know when I see it. Someone, or something, has been – affecting people."

Reno frowned. "What d'ya mean, Laney? Affecting who? How?"

"Well – don't take this the wrong way, Reno, but – you seem to have been sleeping with an awful lot of men lately."

"Not a lot. Just Rude, Rufus, Tseng and Cloud. Oh – and that one time with Cid. And that other time with Vincent. And that time with Cid _and_ Vincent. Oh – and the other night Yazoo just turned up on the doorstep – but that wasn't my fault -"

Elena held up one hand in a weary gesture. "Which is fine – except – you never used to, did you? Or – not this much. I'm sure you used to like girls."

"I still like girls."

"When was the last time you slept with a woman, Reno?"

"Uh – let's see – there was – Hell, I don't know. Guess I've just been too busy lately."

"Well," sighed Elena, "I suppose you're not a good example. You always did swing both ways. But _Rude_? _Cloud_?"

"You're seeing a problem where there ain't one, Laney," Reno told her, firmly.

"Maybe not for you! But for us women, there's definitely a problem. We've got no one left!"

Suddenly Elena spotted something green where no green had grown for years. "Over there," she said. "Let's get a closer look."

Slash stuck her head out of the tent, looked up at the circling helicopter and cursed. "Damn it Squee," she said, "Why'd you have to write a green tent?"

"I told you, I haven't played the game! I thought green would be camouflage. If you'd told me Edge was surrounded by barren brown land, I'd've written a brown one!"

Slash shook her head. "Really, Squee, if you want to be considered part of the fandom, you do need to acquire at least some basic knowledge." She sighed and glanced over at Poison, who was fast asleep, her notebook open on her chest. "Wake her up," Slash told Squee. "I'm writing us out of here." Slash opened the beautiful purple leather-bound journal she kept for her most important works, and wielded her pen with a flourish.

As Reno and Elena peered down at the small green tent, the air around it shimmered like a mirage and the tent vanished into nothingness. Elena looked at Reno who exclaimed, "What the hell was _that_?"

"I think that was the root of our problem," Elena said. "We'd better get back to Healen. I've called in some reinforcements."

"Who do you mean?"

"Kit, Rod, Tristan and Quin. They should be here by sundown."

Elena wasn't at all surprised when Reno's only response was a wide and lascivious grin.

x-x-x

Elena opened the door to her four heroic saviours, and nearly closed it again as she registered that Rod and Quin were holding hands. Reno pushed past her, leaned on the doorframe and drawled, "Long time no see. Rod – Quin – Rufus wants you in his office now. We all missed you." He winked at Elena and grinned. She badly wanted to slap him. "Tris – Kit – " Reno's gaze moved from one to the other, and he smiled slowly. He gave a little wave of his left hand and purred, "Later…"

Kit and Tristan stared after Reno as he followed Rod and Quin out of the room. Elena sighed. "Don't worry – I'll send them straight back. I can't believe it's happened so fast!"

"We told them to take the chopper back the moment we arrived," Tristan told her, his blue eyes earnest and worried. "They refused. Quin said he wasn't leaving without catching up with Reno, and Rod said he was only taking orders from Rufus Shinra – 'whatever those orders might involve'. They started kissing the moment we entered Edge airspace – which wouldn't have been so bad, except that Rod was the pilot."

"We're not affected though," Kit told her. "At least, not yet." He gave Elena a reassuring smile. She found herself thinking that his eyes were a lovely blue. But now was not the time for such thoughts, however long it may have been since a man had taken any interest in her at all. Quickly Elena told the two unaffected Turks all she knew. "Whoever was in that tent is at the heart of all this," she explained. "But – how do we catch them? Unless…" She looked from Kit to Tristan thoughtfully. "How would you feel about being used as bait?"

"Whatever it takes," Tristan said. "I've been trying to get Cassie to go on a date with me for months, and she finally agreed two days ago! I don't want to change!" Elena remembered Cassie from the Turk files – a bright-eyed, confident-looking shotgun expert, with long golden-brown hair. It seemed an unlikely pairing – but truth was often stranger than fiction, she supposed.

Kit looked at Elena, and his eyes sparkled in a way that she hoped was flirtatious. "I'm not with anyone at the moment," he said, "But I don't want to change either. Especially not now."

Elena felt her cheeks turning pink and said hastily, "Good. Well – I think it would be best if we went outside, along the road a little way. All we know about who – or what – ever is doing this, is that they don't like to leave attractive men with women. So if you two start pretending to take an interest in me, maybe we'll lure them out into the open and find out exactly what we're dealing with."

Slash, Poison and Squee watched Elena, Tristan and Kit leaving the lodge. They waited while they descended the steep steps and walked along the dirt road right past their hiding place, crouched behind some bushes and the Healen Lodge sign. Once the Turks had rounded the corner, Slash said, "Okay. Squee – you need to get on that Tristan/Kit story. Now!"

"I will," Squee told her, taking out her phone, and walking into the road to snap a picture of the sign. Poison leaned against it, posing with her EMR over her left shoulder. Squee took more photos.

"I've just finished a nice six-way that starts in Rufus' office and ends up in the lounge," Slash announced proudly. "So – if we look through the windows…"

"Oh My God, yo!" Poison exclaimed. "You are a genius! Let's go!"

"Yeah – me too," Squee added. "I'm not exclusively about the Clack, guys. I'll write my fic later – I promise."

"All right," Slash sighed. "I suppose Tristan and Kit are being useful at least, keeping Elena occupied for us. And it was a good fic, if I do say so myself. I'd appreciate it if you'd both review."

x-x-x

After about half an hour, Elena began to be rather embarrassed by all the exaggerated compliments Kit was paying her. Tristan joined in gamely, with some truly dreadful chat-up lines, but she could tell his mind was on Cassie, back in Junon with Veld and most of the other female Turks. It wasn't working. The mysterious green tent hadn't made an appearance.

"You know, you're much more chilled than your sister," Kit told her. "And much prettier, too. Would you like to go into Edge for dinner sometime?"

"Okay," said Elena curtly, flustered. "This clearly isn't working. Let's get back to the lodge and decide what to do next."

Tristan turned away at once and headed back the way they'd come, but Kit resettled his glasses on the bridge of his nose, and said quietly, "I was serious, though. About dinner."

"The last time someone asked me out to dinner…" Elena shuddered.

"What happened?"

She thought of unnatural green eyes – an impossibly sharp sword. Rufus Shinra sitting all night beside a hospital bed…

"Let's just say it didn't end well – for me at least," she sighed.

Kit was undeterred. "No reason not to try again, is it?"

Elena looked at him, thoughtfully. He was very handsome. He was showing no inclination towards Tristan. His pretend flirting had been outrageous, but witty – and, sometimes, she hadn't been able to distinguish it from the real thing.

"If you can stay straight until tomorrow evening, then I'd love to," she replied, half smiling.

Tristan came running back down the road. "There're people at the lodge," he said. "Three – all female I think. They're on the balcony, looking through the windows. They didn't see me. If we're careful we can take them by surprise."

x-x-x

"Oh great!" Poison complained, looking around the tiny, windowless broom-cupboard all three of them had been locked in. "Good one, Squee! Why can't you ever finish any of your fics? If you'd written Tristan/Kit last night like I told you, this would never have happened!"

Squee glowered, but said nothing.

"This is a setback," Slash agreed, "But not a complete disaster. While we can write, we can do anything!"

"But they took my laptop!" Poison moaned. "And your notebooks and pens! And my EMR. I took ages painting that silver."

"All is not lost!" Slash declared. "I haven't written Reno/Rude all this time without learning a few tricks from the Turks." She took off her left trainer, and lifted the insole. Concealed in a hollowed-out compartment were a biro and several sheets of folded paper. Taking one sheet and replacing the rest, Slash put her trainer back on, leaned the paper against the wall of the cupboard and wrote: _The three heroines suddenly found themselves safe in their tent in a hidden valley a mile from Healen. All their possessions had been mysteriously returned to them. The end._

Elena, reading files on Poison's laptop with increasing incredulity, gave a little gasp of surprise when the machine vanished into thin air. Next to her on the sofa, Kit started, as Slash's purple journal disappeared at the same moment.

"We'd better check the prisoners," Elena said. "But I have a horrible feeling they'll be gone too."

x-x-x

It was less than an hour after Elena had confirmed the prisoners' escape. Kneeling by the coffee table in the lounge, she was reading aloud some of the files she'd copied from the computer of the woman known as xRenoIsMyPoisonx, before its disappearance. Kit and Tristan were sitting on the sofa behind her, listening with horrified attention.

"'But by the time the helicopter reached the coast Quin had decided he could keep his feelings to himself no longer,'" Elena read. "'He knew it was dangerous. He didn't care. All he knew was that he wanted Rod. Badly. He leaned across and put his hand on Rod's on top of the helicopter controls but he really wanted his hand on Rod's –' Yes. Anyway – is that what happened guys? Because it seems as though everything these women write is actually happening. All that stuff in the one they called Slash's journal…" Elena shivered. "_Is_ that what happened? In the helicopter? Guys?" Turning to the sofa Elena's heart plummeted as she saw Tristan staring into Kit's eyes. Kit put his hand on Tristan's cheek and said, "Tris… Has any one ever told you, you look a bit like Cloud?" Elena frowned. Weird chat-up line! Tristan only smiled and blushed, and reached up to remove Kit's glasses, which presumably meant Kit couldn't see his lovely Cloud-like face any more, Elena thought, more bitterly than she wanted to.

"You look like Zack!" Tristan murmured. Then Elena remembered that the blonde girl with the small notebook seemed obsessed with the idea of Cloud and Zack together, to judge by the few pages she'd skimmed through.

Tristan moved closer to Kit. "Your eyes are _so_ blue," he said in a strange, soft voice nothing like his own.

"Yours are bluer," Kit countered.

"No!" Elena cried, her self-control close to snapping. "Guys – please! Think about what you're doing! Tristan – what about Cassie? Kit – what about _me_? You asked me out – I _want_ to go out with you! Please stop!"

She might as well have been invisible. Unable to look away, Elena watched in horror as Kit moved closer to Tristan and the phrase 'as if drawn by an invisible magnetism' came into Elena's head.

Inspiration flashed into her mind, 'bright as a bolt from Reno's EMR' – no – that must be one of xRenoIsMyPoisonx's similes – and she turned back to her laptop, fingers flying over the keys as she wrote: "Suddenly Tris came to his senses. 'Get off me, Kit,' he cried in shock. 'You know I like Cassie. And you like Elena, don't you?'" Elena felt a bit guilty at her own daring, but not guilty enough to stop. "'Yes,' said Kit. He moved to the other side of the room at once. 'What are we doing? It's just those evil writers making us act like this. I want to go out with Elena. Let's track down those freaks and put a stop to this once and for all.'" Remembering something she'd noticed in all the depressingly similar stories she'd read, Elena added, "The End." She turned back to the sofa hopefully. She watched for as long as she could bear to, but once it became clear that her writing was having no effect - Kit and Tristan were obviously not going to stop and were already half undressed - Elena fled from the room and headed for the garage, refusing to give in to the tears of frustration that she could feel threatening behind her eyes. "Okay," she told herself sharply. "Pull it together. The guys are useless. Best to assume they _all_ are. It's down us now."

Elena took out her PHS and called Tifa, giving her a swift account of all she'd discovered. Then she got back on her bike, and headed for Edge and the Seventh Heaven.

x-x-x

Yuffie answered the door. "Elena!" she exclaimed as if the Turk had always been one of her best friends and not a one-time mortal enemy. "Are we good to go? When do we make our move? Have you tracked those bitches to their lair yet? I've brought the last of the materia from Wutai! I've got remedy, slow, fire and lightning. Can you believe what they've done to Cid and Vincent? When're we gonna get our men back, huh?"

"Hello, Yuffie," Elena said. She couldn't resist a smile at the ninja princess' enthusiasm. "Can I come in?"

Yuffie bounced back from the door, and Elena walked into the bar. Tifa was wiping tables. "Elena. I take it the other Turks were no use?"

"Melted like chocolate teapots, the whole lot of them," Elena told her. "It was my own fault – I just wanted some interested men in my life. I should have told Veld to send the female Turks, of course. I think all that sexual tension at Healen affected my brain. How're things here?"

"Worse," Tifa said, glancing towards the stairs. "Barret had some kind of accident and won't come out of his room. When I asked him what happened he just groaned and said, 'No dude should have eyelashes this long!' Oh – and Zack's back."

"_What?_"

"Yep. Walked in last night, claiming that he'd only been _stunned_, and lost his memory for a while. Least likely thing I've ever heard – but – there he was. He went upstairs with Cloud. Haven't seen them since."

"They can't do this!" Elena said. "This has to stop! What if one of them decides to resurrect Sephiroth?"

"Wouldn't matter," Yuffie interjected. "He'd be too busy with Genesis to cause any trouble, as far as I understand it. We need to move fast. I'm betting, with all those guys at Healen, that the enemy will be somewhere near there."

"I expect you're right," Elena replied. "The trouble is they can just write themselves away whenever they want. We'll have to ambush them somehow. We caught them at Healen, but they must have hidden a pen somewhere. They seem to need to write things down for them to work. I tried it myself, but nothing happened. They have some power I don't understand."

From upstairs came the sound of a door opening. They heard the thud of heavy boots on concrete. Cloud entered the bar, followed by Zack who gave a cheerful grin and said, "Hi there!" Cloud wrapped his arm around Zack's waist possessively and said, "Let's go."

"Where are you going, Cloud?" Tifa asked, her expression hard. "Marlene was asking about you."

"We got a call from Rufus," Zack told Tifa cheerfully. "He wants to discuss something, so we're off to Healen."

Cloud looked a bit guilty. "Are Marlene and Denzel okay?" he asked Tifa.

"They're fine. Staying at Marlene's friend's house for a while."

"That's good. Look, Tifa, I…"

"It's not your fault. Just go, Cloud."

"All right."

Cloud followed Zack out of the room, and the phrase _the soft light of undeniable LOVE shining in his cornflower eyes_ drifted across Elena's unwilling consciousness. One of Squee's lines, she supposed. At least she was getting glimpses into the minds of her enemies.

The three women sat in silence, listening to the diminishing roar of Fenrir's engines. Tifa's eyes were focused on her clasped hands on the tabletop in front of her. Yuffie was scowling.

"Right," Elena began. "We need a plan. I want to set off by dawn."

"It might be too late by then," Yuffie said, ominously.

"What do you mean? They've all already done… whatever they're doing. We can forgive them for that, surely? They can't help it," Elena said, trying hard not to think about Tristan and Kit.

Tifa attempted a smile. "That's true. And it's not as though the consequences can be too terrible. I mean, at least no one's going to get preg –" Her eyes opened wide in horror.

"Don't put anything past them," Yuffie said, shaking her head. "Seriously. _Anything_."

Elena nodded. "Sounds like they're planning some kind of mass orgy at Healen," she sighed. "Yuffie's right – we can't afford to wait. Grab all the equipment you can, and let's go."

Half an hour later two sleek motorbikes shot out of Edge. Yuffie rode her new silver Wutai-made _Leviathan_ with the same exuberance and lack of attention to safety that she did everything. Tifa, clinging on behind, began to wish she'd gone with Elena instead. Elena's gleaming black Shin-Ra bike kept pace with Yuffie's as they sped along the road out of Edge and headed back towards Healen.

x-x-x

Slash was having a discussion with Poison in hushed tones, while Squee slept. "I need it to be you," Slash whispered. "Squee doesn't write fast enough, and she's the mistress of purple prose. I know you don't want to miss out, but this is my greatest work. I've _never_ slashed this many people before. You know Elena's going to be trying to stop us, and I'll be distracted. Think of it as a mission. You model yourself on Reno, don't you?"

"Yes – but –"

"I need you to do this, Poison. You'll get your go next time – I promise. You can write whatever you want, and we'll support you. But if Elena gets hold of your laptop, our power will be gone. Did you remember to charge it?"

"Yes. Every time I use it I just write, 'The next time Poison opened her laptop it was fully charged', and it is."

"Good. Now – I need you up on the cliff there, overlooking the lodge. If Elena turns up, your job is to write us out of there, okay? If things get too nasty, write us home. Squee and I will be on the balcony, like last time."

"All right," agreed Poison sulkily. "But you owe me big time. And I'm writing myself some night-vision binoculars."

"Whatever you like. As long as you don't get too wrapped up in my story and forget to keep a lookout."

"I won't."

"Good. This will be our finest hour! Go!"

Poison flipped open her laptop and began to write. In a few minutes she found herself perfectly positioned on a wide ledge directly opposite the brightly lit windows of Healen Lodge's main sitting room. Poison smiled to herself as she remembered Squee writing the minor fire that had destroyed the blinds. She had to give credit where it was due - that had been one of Squee's better ideas. Looking to her right Poison could see the moonlit road snaking through the hills. Empty.

Training her binoculars on the lodge, Poison watched Squee and Slash appear on the balcony. She saw the flash of moonlight on Slash's silver pen, as the self-proclaimed Mistress of Yaoi added two words to the story she'd completed over the last few weeks. _The End_.

Reno and Rude entered the room. Reno held up a party-popper, tilted his head to one side, and, without being able to hear a thing, Poison mouthed his words automatically. "Hey – partner… this thing got any _bite_ to it?"

"Oh Slash," Poison whispered, already captivated, "This is going to be your best one yet!"

x-x-x

Elena, Tifa and Yuffie hid the bikes among some scrubby bushes half a mile from Healen. Making their way through undergrowth, avoiding the road, the comrades approached the lodge cautiously. When they were a within visual range, Elena held up a warning hand, scanning the scene with her night-vision pocket scope. "There're two of them on the balcony," she whispered. "Looks like Slash and Squee. That means Poison is probably keeping lookout."

Yuffie turned, peering into the moonlit night with practiced eyes. "If I was their lookout, I'd be up – yeah – up there – look!" she hissed, pointing excitedly at the ledge where Poison was sitting, her binoculars firmly trained on the brightly lit windows of the lodge.

Tifa frowned. "How did she get up there?" she asked, her voice low. "That's some climb!"

"She wrote herself up," Elena replied. "We have to take her out – but we can't kill her."

"Why not?" Yuffie demanded. "They've caused so much grief – they'd be getting what they deserve!"

"No!" Tifa told her. "Elena's right. We don't know how any of this works. If we kill them, things might never go back to how they were. I want Cloud back!"

"Oh, all right! I'll get the one on the ledge. I'm the best climber," Yuffie said. "How am I going to get her down though?"

"Make her write it. But check the exact words she uses. I think I've worked out what they have to do. Here…" Elena pulled a notebook and pen from the pocket of her jacket and hastily wrote two sentences. "You have to make her write 'the end'," she told Yuffie. "That seems to activate the writing somehow." Yuffie read Elena's words and smiled. "Good. Okay. As soon as we've got her we'll deal with the other two, and settle this."

"Right," Elena replied. "Good luck, Yuffie."

Yuffie grinned. "I'm the great Yuffie – ninja princess of Wutai!" she whispered. "I don't need luck – I have _skill_!"

"For Gaia's sake," Tifa told her, "Just – go!"

Yuffie winked, and vanished silently among the bushes.

"She is good, though," Elena conceded. Tifa nodded. "I know. That's why we put up with her! But she – kind of grows on you after a while."

Elena looked at Tifa, thoughtfully. "Hmm. It happens," she said. "When you work with someone."

Tifa said nothing, but she smiled.

x-x-x

_Oh my God, Slash – this is amazing!_ Poison thought. Rather guiltily she glanced down at the road – empty – and returned her attention to the party going on in the living room at Healen Lodge. _I can see why you called it 'Omnislash'_, she thought, not quite sure where to look. Now that Cid and Vincent had arrived there were fifteen men in the mix – all of them beautifully sexy in different ways. Reno, Rude, Rod and Quin were somehow all on the sofa; Tseng and Rufus were doing their own thing in the corner by the TV; Tristan, Kit, Cid and Vincent were involved in something improbable on the rug, and Cloud and Zack appeared to have got themselves tangled up with the three remnants in a way Poison couldn't quite work out from this distance. For some reason Rufus was wearing a striped blazer with a badge that said Head Prefect, and Cloud appeared to have changed into the uniform of a pizza delivery boy. Poison smiled. Sometimes, when things got this heated, bits of other writers' fics leaked through from their world, but it didn't really matter. Yazoo appeared from somewhere under a tangle of bodies. He paused to adjust his long, venom-green, crushed-velvet evening gown, tossed his hair, and re-entered the fray.

Poison was just wondering why Reno momentarily appeared to have sprouted a pair of cat ears and a tail that vanished a few seconds later, when she felt something cold and sharp prick the skin of her throat. Dropping her binoculars, Poison looked up into the dark, amused eyes of Yuffie, who was holding her shuriken steady and smiling.

"Some lookout you are!" she crowed. "You didn't have a clue I was coming did you? Poison, I take it?"

"Yes. I'm Posion. You can't kill me. Not unless you want them all to stay like that." Posion gestured to the lodge, but Yuffie was far too experienced to look away. "Nice try," she said. "Now – get writing." She shoved the page from Elena's notebook into Poison's hand. "I can't kill you, but I can hurt you," Yuffie said. "And I really don't mind doing that at all."

"D – don't do that!" Poison said shakily, remembering various unpleasant hurt/comfort fics she'd read in which people were horribly tortured before their inevitable rescue at the hands of their partner/s. "I'll write what you want…"

With trembling hands, Poison opened her laptop, and wrote, "Poison and Yuffie, with all their possessions, appeared beside Elena and Tifa. Poison was gagged and in handcuffs. The end."

"Good," said Yuffie. "At least you're not stupid. Now press _save_."

Poison and Yuffie, with all their possessions, appeared beside Elena and Tifa. Poison was gagged and in handcuffs.

"Well done, Yuffie," Elena smiled. "Now for the other two. Let's go get our men back."

Squee couldn't help squeeing at the sight of Zack and Cloud doing all the things Slash had written just feet away from where she knelt outside the window.

"Shh!" muttered, Slash. "What if they hear you?"

"They won't. That's what the music's for. Slash – this is just – epic!"

"It's my best ever. And they're just getting warmed up. Wait for the bit when –"

"Not going to happen," Elena's voice cut in. "Not now – not ever. Put down the journal and your pen."

Slash and Squee whirled to face them. "You can't kill us!" Slash snarled. "If you do, everything will stay just as it is."

Elena took aim, and calmly shot her in the right foot. Slash slumped to the ground, screaming, 'Ow! Ow! Oh my God! I can't believe you shot me!"

"I'm a Turk," Elena replied. "What did you expect?" Picking up Slash's purple journal, Elena tore out the pages of _Omnislash_, and ripped them into little pieces, scattering them over the edge of the balcony. They dispersed on the soft night breeze like confetti, spiralling slowly to the ground.

In the living room of the lodge, fifteen men stopped what they were doing abruptly. The remnants scrambled to their feet and adopted a defensive stance, back to back, Yazoo bending swiftly to rip off the bottom half of the dress he seemed to be wearing so that he could fight. All the Turks formed up in front of Rufus, who was gazing at Tseng, dazed. Only Reno seemed a bit regretful about the sudden turn of events. Vincent – one of the few who had his weapon – drew Cerberus and aimed it at Kadaj, who sneered at him. Cid shook his head, said, "What the fuck?" and fell into a combat-ready posture, just like old times. Cloud and Zack moved towards the remnants slowly.

"How did we get here?" Yazoo asked. "Why are we back?"

From outside, Tifa saw what was happening, and grabbed Squee by the scruff of the neck. "Write exactly what I tell you, and nothing else," she ordered. "Before someone gets hurt."

Squee nodded, and picked up her pen.

"The remants disappeared back into the Lifestream, where they belong," Tifa dictated.

Squee wrote. "Only – i – is it okay if I put 'belonged'? Because mixing up tenses is just not good writing…"

"Just that then," Tifa agreed.

"I have to write 'the end' for it to work."

Slash nodded through her pain. "She does," she groaned. "Can't you let her write my foot better? Please?"

Tifa glanced at Elena, who nodded. Squee added, "Slash's foot was healed. The End."

"Oh thank God!" Slash cried, as her foot miraculously became undamaged once again. Inside the lodge, the remnants slowly faded into nothingness.

Eleven of the remaining men began to search for their own clothes, carefully avoiding looking each other in the eye – or anywhere else. Reno looked disappointed. "Does this mean the party's over?" he asked.

"Reno," said Tseng, sharply, "Get dressed – get outside – find out what that gunshot was. And the rest of you – with him." His tone changed as he turned to Rufus. "Are you all right?" he asked.

Rufus touched Tseng's arm, lightly, briefly. "I'm fine. What happened?"

"I'm not sure," Tseng replied. "But I'll find out."

When they were certain everyone was dressed enough to be decent, Elena and Tifa pushed Slash and Squee towards the lodge, Yuffie following with the gagged and cuffed Poison. Reno, the first to get dressed – if that was the word for it – met them at the doorway. "Laney!" he said, really looking at her for the first time in months. "Was that your gun? What happened?"

"Let's get inside, and I'll explain," Elena said. As she passed him, though, she reached up and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "It's good to see you back, Reno."

"What do you mean, _back_?" Reno asked. "What the hell is goin' on?"

x-x-x

Rufus sat in the centre of the couch, Tseng on his right and Rude on his left. Reno perched on the arm, next to Tseng. The other Turks were ranged behind the couch. Elena glanced at Kit, but he seemed to be avoiding her eye. Vincent and Cid stood by the windows, a good two metres apart. Cloud and Zack stood side by side, at a little distance. Yuffie, Tifa and Elena pushed the three prisoners into the centre of the room. Yuffie removed Poison's gag.

"Elena?" Tseng asked.

"These three have been writing stories that come true," Elena told the assembled company. "They all involve you – with each other. Well – you know about that, so we don't need to go into detail. I don't know where they come from, or what power makes the stories into reality, but I don't think they're stupid enough to refuse to talk."

Rufus looked at Slash, curiously. "You're their leader?" he asked.

Slash tried to look confident. She wished she'd written Rufus as a nicer person in the past. "Yes," she agreed. "In so far as we have one."

"She is," Squee said, hastily. "It was all her idea."

"Shut up, traitor," hissed Poison.

Slash only nodded. "It _was _my idea. We come from – another world," she said, wincing at how clichéd it sounded when you said it out loud. "In our world, your world is part of a game. We write fanfiction – stories about the characters we like. Specifically, we write Yaoi – stories where male characters – uh –"

"Yes," Rufus said, with an enigmatic smile. "I think we've established what they do. The question is _why?_"

"We like it," Poison shrugged. "It's hot."

Reno grinned. "Fair enough," he said. "And if it was just stories, that would be fine. Hell – _I'd_ read 'em. But – how'd you make 'em real, yo?"

"Oh!" sighed Poison, unable to help herself. "He said 'yo'!"

"I found a way to write myself into your world," Slash explained. "It was quite easy, actually. And once I was here, everything I wrote started coming true. I've known these two for years – through reading and reviewing each other's stories – although we'd never met in Real Life before we came here. We think the power comes from all the other fans who write fics and read our work. If I may have my journal back...?"

Rufus nodded, and Elena passed the purple book to Slash, who opened it and said softly, "Listen…"

At first all they heard was a slight, scratching noise like the skittering of baby chocobo claws on a hard floor. Then an insistent tapping that everyone recognised as the sound of people typing on computer keyboards.

"The whisper of a thousand pens on paper," Squee murmured.

"The tapping of a million keys," Poison added.

As they listened the air became filled with spoken phrases, mostly, but by no means all, in female voices: _- gazing into his azure eyes – I can't live without you, he sighed – No! Don't leave me! – his sculpted abs – the curve of his well defined – no – it really suits you – but I never thought – I never knew – I love you, he laughed, he cried, he moaned – I love you…_

Slash closed the journal carefully. "You see?" she said. "All that desire – all that longing – it has to go somewhere. That's the power that makes it real – the power of the writing – good or bad, serious or comic, profound or absurd – it's all part of the same force."

Elena nodded. "I do see," she said. "But it has to stop. You never thought of _us_ – the women of _this_ world. You have to go back now, and keep your fantasies as fantasies, where they can do no harm. I'm sure people enjoy them – but we want our men back."

"Yes – you're right, of course," Slash said. "And I'll write everything back as it was before we go."

"No!" cried Squee. "You can't! Zack – will –"

Zack shook his head. "I can't stay here. I don't belong here any more. I should be with Aerith."

Slash opened her journal again, and turned to a new page. Silently, Elena handed her the silver pen.

Slash wrote: "Team Yaoi returned to their own world." Elena, looking over her shoulder, added, "Put – 'and never came back to Gaia again'." Slash sighed, but did as she was told. When she'd finished she read aloud, "Team Yaoi returned to their own world, and never came back to Gaia again. Everything they had written ceased to be, in the world of Gaia."

"But – Elena," Slash added, "I'm afraid this will change nothing between you and Tseng."

Elena blushed and stammered, "I – I don't know what you mean!"

"We didn't write Rufus/Tseng," Slash explained. Poison and Squee shook their heads. "We only started writing after Meteor."

Rufus and Tseng looked at one another.

"We all have our own OTPs," Slash said. "But those two – they're each other's OTP. We can't do anything about that. You know, really, don't you, that when Tseng asked you out to dinner, he was only going to explain why he couldn't be with you?"

Elena nodded, not daring to look at Tseng.

"Elena," Tseng said, and she looked up then. "I'm sorry. It's quite true that I'm with Rufus. But that doesn't mean that we're insatiable – or indiscrete – in the normal course of events. All that… on the stairs…" For the first time ever, Elena saw Tseng look embarrassed.

"No," Slash said. "That was me. I'm sorry." She looked at Squee and Poison. "Ready to go, girls?"

"Just a minute." Squee tore a page from her notebook, and gave it to Zack. "This is where I wrote you back to life. If you want to… go… you'll have to tear it up. I'm sorry! I can't!"

Zack just smiled, and said, "I'll be seeing you, Cloud." He gave them all a little wave, ripped the page cleanly in two, and vanished. Cloud whispered, "Goodbye, Zack!"

"Oh!" sobbed Squee, "You _did_ love him! I knew it!"

"Of course I loved him," Cloud said, angrily. "He was my best friend. But that doesn't mean I _loved_ him – not in your sense. Don't you ever think about anything else?"

Squee looked unrepentant. "Not often," she replied, clutching her notebook to her chest.

Poison crossed the room to Reno and kissed him hard. He didn't seem to mind. "Nice wig," he said, when she finally released him. "Tattoos need some work, though."

Poison shot a triumphant glance at Squee. "_See_," she said. "I _knew_ they were tattoos."

Slash opened her journal for the last time. Underneath the sentences she'd already written, she added the words, "The End."

When the three writers from another world had vanished, Tifa ran to Cloud and hugged him hard.

"It's all right, Tifa," he said. "It's over. I'm back. Thank you for coming to get me."

"I always will," she replied. "Any time you need rescuing."

Yuffie shot a speculative glance in Vincent's direction, and raised an eyebrow. If it had been possible for him to blanch, he would have done.

Elena went out onto the balcony, and stood for a moment, watching the tumbling waterfalls gleaming silver in the moonlight. Healen was very beautiful.

Kit joined her. "I'm afraid I didn't keep my side of the bargain," he said, with a rueful smile. "But, in my defence, I wasn't the only one who failed to stay straight. Given that I am straight again now - are you still interested in dinner?"

Elena turned to look at him and her sudden smile was brighter than the moonlight. "Yes," she said. "Yes, I'm interested."

x-x-x

Slash checked her emails. Poison had written, "Got a PM from Squee saying she was giving up fanfic for a while. Can u believe? : (

R U really never going back?"

Slash smiled, and typed her reply. "Squee will be back. I give her three weeks, tops. Not going back to Gaia – too dangerous. But already started a Seifer/Squall fic. Let me know what you think : ) Have you ever played Final Fantasy Eight?

The End.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading.<strong>


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